Riding the Reassurance Rainbow

Are you sure it’s OK? You’re absolutely sure you’re sure? Are you positive? You think I made the right decision? You’re not upset with me, are you? I know I probably sound crazy, I just want to be sure that...” 

For those who have acute health anxiety (HA) or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), these questions are part of an everyday routine. Because when anxiety shows up to the party, it erodes a particular type of security in our mind. Thoughts of skepticism begin to set-in, and soon excessive reassure seeking (ERS) becomes a way to manage those unmitigated thoughts that decay established trust. “[It’s] the need to check in with someone over and over again to make sure everything is OK with respect to a particular worry or obsession.” [1]

It can happen with coworkers, spouses, roommates, or siblings. Even when there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Does such-and-such person honestly like me or love me? Is my child genuinely okay at the moment? Am I the kind of person that I think I am? Therapist David Ferenciak explains, “The reason why it can be so hard to resist reassurance seeking is due to the immediate gratification that is obtained in the moment. The sensation of ‘now I know for sure..’ is very alluring.” [2]

Brynjar Halldorsson and Paul M. Salkovskis have found, “[ERS] has been conceptualized as a type of compulsive checking behavior, but could also be seen as being a supportive maneuver… [It’s] is a safety-seeking behavior with the primary function of reducing perceived threat.” [3]

And just like any acute emotional or mental health disorder, all human beings struggle with this phenomenon in smaller doses or at particular spurts in time. We’re a species that needs validation. We're innately wired to seek assurance. 

This week, in parshat Noach, we confront the durability of the relationship with God and the people of earth. After a devastating, blow-out flood that decimated all human life, genuine anxiety - or a perceived threat - could emerge that maybe this is just the first of many floods? "How will we know you won't do this again?" What insurance do we have? Similarly, we ask convicts before being released from jail the same line of questioning. We ask our spouses and partners who have betrayed our trust but are willing to forgive to repair the relationship. It's reasonable to presume that God doesn't want God's creations to live in utter panic and dread every instant throughout their lives: "Is this the day, God? I hear it raining out there...but will it ever end? How will I know?" 

 Thankfully, God offered us a permanent resolution to allay our concerns: 

“I have set My bow in the clouds, and it shall serve as a sign of the covenant between Me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth, and the bow appears in the clouds, I will remember My covenant between Me and you and every living creature among all flesh, so that the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures, all flesh that is on earth.” (Exodus 9:13-16) 

As our sages explain, “There can be no doubt that the phenomenon of the rainbow as a symbol of the new relationship between man and G-d was meant to reassure man that there would not again be a deluge on earth.” [4] But even for Ramban, there is still some hesitance to believe in the rainbow: 

“We are forced to believe the words of the Greeks, that rainbows naturally result from the sun’s rays shining on moist air — because a rainbow-like image can be seen in a container of water placed in front of the sun.” [5] 

The rabbis themselves are even skeptical. They understand that rainbows are semi-common features of reality. We can even reproduce them. Moreover, “This sign of the rainbow is not one that is visible on a daily basis whenever there are clouds in the sky as the wording of the Torah might suggest. The rainbow is also not visible on every rainy day…” How will we know for sure! Well…we may never know. Because while God has assured us, I myself am not so sure. A spectrum of pretty lights or not, I’ll continue to stay on alert for rising tides for the course of my lifetime…

Further, I think that the rainbow is also a sign - to provide more signs. To project messages of safety and security for those we’re in relationships with. In non-obsessive or compulsive ways, assurance can be healthy. As John Mayer says, “Love Is a Verb.” Relationships of any kind require demonstrations of sincerity and integrity. God made the rainbow not because they’re nice to look at, but because we needed them. Humans need validation. Validation in small doses can reduce stress and normal paranoia: Did I say the right things to the right people at the right time? Am I okay? Do you love me? Am I enough? “Yes!” is sometimes the answer we need to hear. And it’s okay to say it. Write in the sky if you have to. 

[1] “OCD and Excessive Reassurance Seeking” by Owen Kelly, PhD
[2] “Am I Okay?”: Reassurance Seeking. What is it and why is it so hard to stop?” by David Ferenciak, LPC
[3] “Why Do People with OCD and Health Anxiety Seek Reassurance Excessively? An Investigation of Differences and Similarities in Function” by Brynjar Halldorsson and Paul M. Salkovskis
[4] Rabbeinu Bahya, Bereshit 9:13:1-6
[5] Ramban on Genesis 9:12:1